Famous funny guy Charlie Chaplin once said, "A day without laughter is a day wasted," and we couldn't agree more. Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine — plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Telling corny jokes or watching feel-good comedies is a sure-fire way to add levity to your day, but if you need a quick fix, then we've got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses.

We’ve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk to serve as a little reminder that life's not that serious — and we’re all much better off laughing so we don't cry! With quotes from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller, here are the best laugh-out-loud quotes to enjoy anytime you need a laugh. Looking for more inspiration? Be sure to check out these funny graduation quotes and inspirational quotes about life as well.

Funny Quotes About Life

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1. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."
―Mindy Kaling

2. "Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office

3. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—W.C. Fields

4. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
—Joan Rivers

5. "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
—Elbert Hubbard

6. "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
―Mae West

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7. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown

8. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell

9. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
―Bill Watterson

10. "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
―Mae West

11. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
―W.C. Fields

12. "I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!!"
― Charles M. Schulz

13. "I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
―Oscar Wilde

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14. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Office

15. ​​"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein

16. "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite

17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov

18. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin

19. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis

20. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Office

21. ​​"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Office

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22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."
—Mark Twain

23. "I'm not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias

Funny Quotes for Friends

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24. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

25. "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt

26. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey

27. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
—Charlotte Whitton

28. "I drink to make other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway

29. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
—Benjamin Franklin

30. "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx

31. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde."
—Dolly Parton

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32. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

33. "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls

34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you." —Rita Mae Brown

35. ​​"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling

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36. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

37. "I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat."
—Pam Beesly, The Office

38. "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep

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39. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford

40. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

Funny Quotes About Aging

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41. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
—Lucille Ball

42. "​​Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

43. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
—Joan Rivers

44. "People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton

45. "Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

46. "No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

47. "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." —George Burns

48. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel

49. "As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
—Sir Norman Wisdom

Funny Quotes About Marriage

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50. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell

51. "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein

52. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke

53. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason

54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller

55. "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton

56. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine

57. "As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy."
—Ralphie May

58. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey

Short Funny Quotes

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59. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
—Oscar Wilde

60. "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana."
—Betty White

61. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin

62. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any."
—Samuel L. Jackson

63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Bill Watterson

64. "Don't be so humble — you are not that great.”
―Golda Meir

65. "Never miss a good chance to shut up."
―Will Rogers

66. "I've had great success being a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis

67. "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres

68. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."
—Mark Twain

69. "Instant gratification takes too long."
—Carrie Fisher

70. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
—Mark Twain

71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston S. Churchill

72. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott

73. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock

Clever Quotes and Sayings

74. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would."
—Neil Gaiman

75. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres

76. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
—Isaac Asimov

77. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw

78. "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
—David Lee Roth

79. "The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann Landers

Funny Quotes About Parenting

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80. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck

81. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
—Phyllis Diller

82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller

83. "It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

84. "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone

85. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
—Reese Witherspoon

86. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld

87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke

Funny Quotes About Work

88. "Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."
—Jim Halpert, The Office

89. "An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Office

90. "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office

91. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde

92. "Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller

93. "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
—Joan Rivers

94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
―Jerome K. Jerome

95. ​​"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
―Charles Lamb

96. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox

97. "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown

98. "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar

99. "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure."
—Mark Twain

100. "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."
—Will Rogers

101. "No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early."
—Groucho Marx

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Alesandra Dubin
Contributing Writer

Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelor’s degree from UC Berkeley. An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins.

Headshot of Corinne Sullivan

Corinne Sullivan is an Editor at Cosmopolitan, where she covers a variety of beats, including lifestyle, entertainment, relationships, shopping, and more. She can tell you everything you need to know about the love lives of A-listers, the coziest bedsheets, and the sex toys actually worth your $$$. She is also the author of the 2018 novel Indecent. Follow her on Instagram for cute pics of her pup and bébé.